Hot and Kinky Tuesday

Every Tuesday I go to the local munch here and have met so many great people. Some I know better than others. I was asked if I would like to play a bit, in a domme role. It was a little bit of a surprise because I am not experienced but I have been practicing with my floggers and other equipment with my switch friend. But the thing is, accepting the control given to me feels a lot different than just practicing a technique. I felt at first awkward because I was asked in public, at the meeting with the other kinksters there and I was quite aware of them looking at me when the request was made. I think because they only know me as a submissive. But we made the plans and I drove to her house after the meeting.

One of the things that became apparent while at the parties was a dual persona. Fortunately the two don't come at the same time. If I'm relaxing and chatting and enjoying the scenes on the main floor, I am overwhelmed with the need to be there. My mind wonders off into a sadist mode, intense and sometimes explosive. I often fluctuate from wanting to top and then the submissive side kicks in and I at that point, want to be bottoming. In a lot of ways it feels like a self induced mindfuck. The truth is I am both sadist and masochist, which helped while writing tasks here at the Org. Domination on the other hand is whole other playground, at least it seems for me, and a few times I was asked in PM's to be more dominant in the tasks I wrote. I have tried domming via web cam, voice chat and tasking but it's just not there. If you can imagine this, I can be cute and cuddly, hot and sexy in my corsets but to hear my voice and mannerism, I'm soft spoken and non-demanding. The best way to describe how I feel most times is, I want to hurt you and touch you softly in the same moment. It's a very physical and emotional state, like holding your breath and jumping over the edge, it's that very same feeling.

The trip there was uneventful, it was about a 5 minute drive but I definitely got a bit nervous as I pulled into the driveway, trying to keep myself together. There's no help line or "how to's" posted anywhere at this point, and I stood there, remembering the last domming session I attempted with Miss Marie. I say attempted because I was not able to domme, just offered my sadistic ideas. My body trembled and I got this hot flash, and I wondered whether I was going to see this through. I can laugh about it now, but I was trembling so hard I could hardly knock on the door. I was thinking about waiting until it stopped or to just go for it and hope it won't be noticeable. As my big, brave and bold attitude flew out the window, I felt nearly blinded by the emotions of it as I knocked on the door.

When she opened the door I could see she was nervous and when she spoke it was almost incoherent. Was it just me in my own crazy space not hearing or was she that nervous that she couldn't talk properly? I never did figure it out as the early parts of the evening seemed surreal. Somehow I was drawn into her world and it empowered me. In a way it gave me more strength to overcome my own weak knees and the trembling and hot flash subsided. It was like I needed to rescue her before she fell into pieces. That's just how it felt, not that their is any truth to it, because I know that it takes incredible strength to be submissive. Maybe it was the shyness, or the down cast eyes or the trembling that made me think this. As I was let in, our eyes made contact briefly and I gave her a smile, no actually it was more like evil grin. I wanted to hold her for a while until she stopped trembling and kiss her softly but I sensed that the time was not right just yet. I followed her as she gave me the tour of her home. I was so distracted by the intrusion of my thoughts, everything I looked at seem to inspire an idea for a scene, what I could use this or that for. By the end I was burning with a desire and that I would somehow have to contain it.

I wandered over to the french doors and closed the blinds so that the neighboring building was blocked out and found a sofa to get comfortable on. I felt restless, like I wanted it all now but I casually looked at my surroundings and enjoyed the moment. It doesn't seem to matter what the emotion is at the time, but I revel and savor it because it won't be the same next time. What I wanted was for her to come and sit with me but the words did not come out. This sofa was perfect to lay her out for a spanking and strong enough it wouldn't tip over if her full weight was hanging over the back of it. My mind was so full of thoughts it was hard to concentrate on even the small things. The solid framed table in front of me would be ideal for some tight bondage, using the thick spindles as tie posts I could have her in any position I wanted. We talked for a short time and then I realized we had not discussed exactly what she wanted from me or for that matter, what I would want. Secretly I had my own agenda for tonight but she has yet to reveal hers. Exciting in a way but then I wasn't really taking control here when I should have.

She left the living room and went to her bedroom to bring what she wanted to play with tonight leaving me to my thoughts. I think that was the hardest part and not knowing what things she would bring to the mix added to my overactive imagination. In a way it was a good thing that she selected these things because that showed me the boundaries she was willing to participate in, but I wish that she would have asked me too. With a trunk load of equipment in my car it could have been a crazy night but it might have been too much for me to handle, at least the first time round. I have to admit that I should have shown a bit more control here and make her ask me, it would have probably put her in a more submissive mindset. I know that whatever she chose she would be comfortable with for our first session together. But on the other hand, there is an excitement that goes with not knowing the plan ahead of time, to keep the submissive guessing, in my own experience this works. Maybe some time when the trust and relationship grows more.

It seemed like forever when she finally came back and laid out for me the things she had. A few soft floggers and a nasty rubber flogger with some ridges embedded on it. It seemed fairly straight forward what she wanted as I felt the weight and texture of them and as I looked up she had already undressed. Part of the fun is the watching, the folding and laying the clothes neatly out of the way, and of course I love to see someone blush. Here again I realized that I should have taken control earlier but I came to a crossroad, she hadn't given it to me yet, or maybe she had and I don't recognize it. It just seems to me that she has orchestrated everything so far and I have to wait. Is it normal to wait? Maybe it takes more time for others to submit or maybe she is not submissive, but solely a masochist, which was the case I later discovered that night.

It was a huge rush though to see her standing there ready, a full view of her entire body that I get to play with. I wanted so badly to use some other items. She was well endowed and I would have loved to do some hard bondage and clothespins on her breasts, and then to rip them off. With the few items she had I wondered whether she had experienced them before and if not I would love to introduce them to her at a later time. I picked up all the whips into my hand, putting them in order of how I wanted to use them and as I looked up, I caught her gazing at me. I couldn't help but make eye contact, she was beautiful and I held my gaze on her as she moved away and found a small space on a nearby wall. I followed her into her space and then the talking just stopped. Not in a bad way I should say, but another type of connection was being made. Physical contact speaks more than any words can. I'm not sure if I can actually convey what it felt like fully. I was already contending with a desire, at least to keep it at bay and not to overstep the boundaries. But I felt this primal or maybe it was predatory or some other emotion, not sure which but it went deep and burned to the core. I couldn't help but drag my nails the full length of her arms and down the rest of her body, and I watched with excitement as the red lines formed on her white skin. While the marks still tingled I very softly caressed the welts, making her shiver slightly. I enjoyed for a few minutes the reaction I got from this simple teasing.

As I said earlier, I didn't know exactly what she was looking for other than what she gave to me to use, the rest was left up to me. It was here that I discovered the value of what I learned through the Org on tasking and being able to create something. I felt a shift in the dynamic, we were both craving something. I have never felt the need or desire so strong before this night and the room became almost closed in. Not like a claustrophobia but to be focused so hard that everything else disappears. To be honest, I don't remember at what point I began whipping her and I think at some point I went into my own space. It scared me a bit, since I wasn't expecting that so soon to happen. I stopped to make sure she was doing ok and it also helped me to remain in the "here and now".

For the first time since we started she actually spoke and said, "mark me". This is when I realized that she was mostly a masochist and the whip I had was going to do just that, leave some nasty marks. So I put to the test the whip she gave to me. The tails were made of hard rubber that had ridges with several holes drilled through it lower lengths and a snake tongue at the end of each. I started out soft until I got used to its lightness. In a lot of ways it worked like a single tail but those ridges grabbed the skin causing it to tear. After a few minutes I nailed down the right strength and for the next hour and a half I whipped every part of her body. I got the best reaction when I whipped the inside of her thighs causing her to dance. I ran my hands softly over all the welts, it was intoxicating really and I really could have done more. Because this whip could be so damaging it helped me to keep focus and not to venture into space again but it was so intense. I know that she got what she wanted by the huge grin on her face. Almost ceremoniously I gave her back the whips, like a return of the power and control she gave to me briefly that night. We chatted for a while and admired the marks she got and I could feel the atmosphere shift again. It was time to go home. I was still smiling on the drive back home and enjoyed the rush for a few days after it ended.